Today's Advent reveal is in the form of a little #throwbackthursday moment to where my author journey began - poetry and blog writing that combined to form my first book, a memoir called: 'Finding My Way.' Putting my thoughts on paper about my self-confidence opened a door that has led on to so many opportunities and achievements - writing, publishing, meeting new people, making connections with a supportive community and more. The excerpt below explores how I began to use my blogging to help me to make sense of certain anxieties and confidence issues that were presenting themselves at the time.
A Struggle with Self-Confidence.
With my journey to becoming a 'Mum Blogger' begun and an unlocking of my inner thoughts and analysis of the feelings this would evoke, came the therapeutic benefits of allowing the words to flow onto the page - much like the satisfaction of an ink blot on a page, seeping slowly outwards taking on its own shape and form, with onlookers forming their own responses to what they could see within the resulting shapes and patterns.
They say that recognising difficulties within yourself is the first step and then sharing those, to ask for help, is a mighty achievement. Perhaps 'Mollie' - the writing pseudonym I gave myself when starting the blog allowed for a more honest account of what I thought, what I felt and in itself was a safe outlet to express this? It is much like putting on a wig or costume to become another, to adopt a role where you can step aside from your usual self. A strange juxtaposition perhaps but within that persona it seems I had more confidence to unlock the thoughts and feelings that I had tucked away.
Now many months on from starting this process, I am still struggling with my self-confidence. Some days I am a sassy middle-aged drama diva with a clear direction and a conviction to make it happen. Some days I have no belief in what I can achieve. I am working hard to have more of the first days than the latter but it remains difficult at times. I think my struggle with self-confidence is encapsulated well within this poem...
Confidence Cage
"Have you ever felt invisible when surrounded by a crowd?
Like your software has downgraded,
And your bloom of youth has faded,
And it's hard to keep on smiling, to be sociable and loud.
Have you driven down a side road to avoid the headlights' glare?
Have you known you'll keep on swimming?
Though your light inside is dimming?
Yet you think about escaping and no longer being there?
Have you some days felt quite overwhelmed by all the world outside?
And it's easier to stay in bed,
Confronting demons in your head
Than tell someone you're struggling and admit that you have cried.
Have you ever lost your confidence and failed to understand
That a friend was there to help you?
There's something that you can do
If you look around and ask, you will find a helping hand.
Have you ever taken steps to help yourself and face the day ahead?
Face the sun and keep on walking,
Find the strength to keep on talking
And remember all the good that you have done and you have said.
Karen Honnor - February 2019
You can read more from this chapter in my blog piece - 'Confined by my Cage of Confidence.'
Comments